Update #7

Oh this cutie! The past 2 weeks he has started loving to wear our shoes! It is neat to see him start doing things that most kids do, even if it is a year behind or so! :) Kade also is in this stage right now so they both will walk around with my shoes on. Blake has also voluntarily worn his hat more which is fun to see too. 

Blake is commenting and talking very well. His therapist is continually impressed with his progress and is amazed at how much progress he has made in 2 short months. He is starting to figure out emotions and comments when he watches TV or when he sees my facial expressions with, "Oh, he is mad!" or "You are happy mom!" Ms. Katie says that this fact is VERY promising for him and she has full confidence in his potential. We know that being able to read emotions is HUGE, so we are thankful to be seeing this skill emerge with him. 

He has started shaking his head "yes" and "no" and using more gestures - something he hadn't been doing before. Again, this is just showing further growth on his part! He is also using words like, "HEY!" to get our attention. 

His echolalia is getting better. He still continually sings and loves music. The songs bug me, especially when he sings in the most random places like during dinner. I know this is partly due to the fact that he feels like words need to be spoken to fill that void, and singing is easiest (according to his therapist). 

 He walks around with sticks and likes to play drums. He also has a little piano that his Opa and Omi got him a while back that he enjoys playing, as well as my big piano. He will sit there and play and sing made up songs or a version of a bunch of songs put together. Yesterday when I told him to go play with Kade in his room he started walking and looked back and said, "Come on back Kade! I will teach you how to play the piano!" while gesturing with his hand to follow him. To think this is the same child as 2 months ago is mind-blowing. He attempts to include his brother in most things.

He has started talking "gibberish" sentences to me this week. He will try to tell me something and just can't get to the words quick enough so he is just making sounds. It is hard to see, but also encouraging to see. It shows his brain is thinking quicker than he can access the words. Hopefully that gets better with time. We still have to give a lot of "wait time" when we are talking with him. I am finding if you give him some time, he usually has something to say. A lot of times I know what will be said, but other times I don't. And sometimes it is still something random, but part of me wonders if that is because he can't get to the words he wants, so he chooses to say something common and easily spoken.

He is a VERY visual learner. Very hands on. We find that his experiences provide most of his talking points. And this is okay. Hopefully talking will become easier for him like it already has.

I am very thankful for the progress that we have seen. God has answered prayers. I feel I still find myself discouraged some days when I start focusing on the things that have NOT changed much. Like his playing. He still can not play imaginatively well at all. He doesn't take his trucks and play with them or do anything without me leading the play. He follows me around and is content to do NOTHING which is just so ironic to me. I still feel he wonders around not playing with much. He will line some things up like blocks, and when I tell him that is not how we play with toys, he gets frustrated at me. I am trying to find that balance for him or just letting him being a kid but coming along side and helping him since that is how he will improve. He still chooses to play with cause and effect toys and is best independently with legos or building. But even that doesn't keep his attention much anymore. 

As I write this, he came up to me and said, "What do you want to play with?" I told him I was going to work on my computer and told him he should go play cars with Kade. He told me, "No. I want to play with Mommy." This is often his response. But again, its more me telling him how to play rather than him playing WITH me. He doesn't offer much. 

Prayers: continued talking for him, improvements in his playing, and a patience and trust in God for myself. I still find myself apprehensive. 

Thanks friends and family! 

Our life: April 23-30

Time to share some about my littlest one! :) Kade is my little ray of sunshine (when he wants to be)! He is growing up so quickly today and loves to be anywhere his big brother is. He has a puzzle mind like his brother and did this clock of 12 different shapes on his own! 

 He also has a little temper on him. Okay, maybe not so little. A BIG one! He gives parenting a whole new perspective and we are realizing that what worked with Blake does NOT work with Kade. He is a stubborn, strong-willed, passionate child... and I think God gave me him because he is just like his mommy! 

This week Blake wanted to do some stickers. He then drew me which I thought looked very cute. He gave me fingers and toes on his picture which was new for him and something I didn't tell him to do. I think it makes me look like Wolverine! :) His picture made our art work wall at home! 

We went to Red Robin this week as a family. Blake ordered his own meal (very quietly), and we were proud of him for being brave and for telling the waiter when he wanted. Kade goes through spurts of wanting to wear hats and others shoes, so he was content to drink chocolate milk and wear his brother's hat. 

On Saturday we went to our neighbor boy's 1st birthday party. I was so proud of Blake and that he did so well not knowing anyone but the birthday boy Aleks. He is pretending to sweep in this picture. When their big dog, Cooper, came and gave him kisses and rubbing up on him, he even commented by saying, "He is tickling me!" Love hearing his thoughts! 

Blake loves watches. He has 2 watches that he will wear at home, sometimes both at the same time! :) The glass is broken on one and I am not even sure if the other works. Matt let him wear his new apple watch and Blake put it on and said, "I look cute!" Just another example of how his commenting is getting better. 

We have had a great week this week. His commenting is blowing us away and we are so thankful that he is commenting and telling us things that are "off script." He continues to point out things that we have never pointed out before and trying to convey emotion. His therapist even told me this week that his commenting is getting good and that he has done amazing during both sessions this week. That was so encouraging to hear, especially when she is noticing the same things I am! Thank you all for your prayers! God is answering them! 

Update #6

I won't make this update long as there has only been a couple of really "new" things that have emerged over the last couple weeks. That is not to say he hasn't made continual improvement across the board in things he has been learning. But these two examples are more "new"!

This week Blake has started commenting while watching TV shows. We have limited the TV greatly these past few months, but when this momma needs a break or he is sick, we turn it on. He has made comments like, "It's dark!", "The kids are going in rocket!", and "The friends are in trolly!" 

Commenting is new. Commenting comes later in the speech process, and I was made aware of that this week when signing Blake up for Speech camp this summer. The therapist said that the reason why Ms. Katie is working on "Boys vs. Girls" is because a child can not comment until they know that who they are commenting about is a boy or a girl. Think about that: you can't say, "Look at that boy mom!" or "Look at his jacket!" when you don't know who "HE" is. It makes complete sense. This is why I am thankful for speech therapy because I would have had no idea. And I was so upset that he was being taught the difference between boy and girl. This just shows how I do NOT know how language develops and I need to TRUST that they do. Blake finally has a concept of who other people are if he doesn't know their names.  They can be boys, girls, kids, people.... this has helped him a lot! 

Blake has started calling Kade by some nick names. When he sees Kade, he will say, "Hi Kade Man!" or "Stop that Kade Monster." He even talked to Matt on the phone and said, "HI BOY!" with so much enthusiasm it cracked us up.  

As kids develop language, they will start interchanging words for other words. I had mentioned a few posts ago that Blake had started using words like "grab" instead of "hold" and replacing other words when I would have him repeat my sentence with words that meant the same thing. It shows he understands language as being somewhat "creative", and that there doesn't have to be just ONE way to say something.

Blake has started taking on the role of other people and animals. He has not done this before unless he was copying another child or us. This week he has walked around pretending to be a cow, horse, rabbit, frog, and many other animals. Tonight he told me, "I'm a space alien!" which he got from Daniel Tiger.

This goes back almost to the previous thing with interchanging words with similar words with the same meanings. Our therapists said that imaginative play and creativity in language can't come until he can see that things don't have to be exactly what they are. The fact that he is taking on different roles and pretending is HUGE. This week I feel like I've seen about 4 days in a row where I feel a page has turned. I pray it sticks and that we just keep flipping those pages right along.

Shout out to Kamille

I am so thankful for Kamille. Most of my friends and family who read this blog will never have met this sweet friend of mine, but I wish you had the opportunity to do so.

I had mentioned in a previous post that she understands my feelings more than anyone because God has chosen her to walk a similar path to mine. One that I don't have any other friend walking. Her 3.5 year old precious little boy has autism. And although Blake has not been officially diagnosed with autism, we walk similar paths. Paths full of doubt, fear, anxiousness, and uncertainty. Ones that really test our faith and our trust in God, but ones that God has chosen for us none the less.

Before my whole journey with Blake began, I would pass Kamille at church and give her a smile or a hello. She brought me a meal when Kade was born AND muffins for breakfast the day before. This already told me something about her caring heart. Once this journey with Blake began, I felt so alone. Steph suggested I talk with Kamille and I am so glad that the door was opened for me to talk with her, because I have made a very sweet friend in the process.

Kamille and her sweet kiddos CJ, Sarai, and Jadon came to our home to play last Friday morning. Blake was enthralled with Jadon once he woke up and kept looking at him with a lot of curiosity. When he started crying, Kamille asked if Blake wanted to put his binky back in his mouth and Blake immediately declined. Blake isn't my adventure seeker in the slightest and he likes his predictable routine. That doesn't mean he freaks out at new things, but he is content to watch and observe first. Eventually when Jadon did cry, he would put his binky back in for him and just sit and watch him. It was so precious to see how much Blake liked Jadon. The rest of the night he wanted Jadon to come back to our home. If Kade laid down on the boppy pillow that Jadon was using earlier in the day, he would tell him that was Jadon's pillow. I rummaged through my baby drawers and found 2 binkies that both boys enjoyed playing with. When I told Blake that Jadon would not be coming back that night, I also told him he could just pretend to be Jadon. So he did. This picture cracks me up! But to me this picture symbolizes so much: a growing imagination and a care for others.

Kamille sends me encouragement throughout my week and I try to do the same for her. I love the body of Christ and how He has designed for one another to pour our lives out into other people and to be real with them. Church is more than sitting in a pew every Sunday. It's more than saying a quick hello to the people next to you. It's more than that. Being a Christian is something lived every single day of your life. It's constant dependence and communication with God and being His hands and being His feet. I'm thankful Kamille has served me in just being my friend, listening to my struggles, sharing her own, and pointing me back to the realities of God. 

Today she sent this quote to me. 

"He's already proven his love. It's settled. We are taken care of. He literally went to hell and back. What more do we need to believe in Him?" 

It's so true. God LOVES me. And if you believe in Him and have a relationship with Him, He loves YOU. Think on that. Really think on that. That means despite our circumstances in life, His love is stronger, greater, better, and forever. He loves us so much that He sent His only Son for us. Incredible. 

Hospitals and Ambulances

There are not many places that Blake asks to go. But the hospital has been one place ever since I pointed it out. We pass it almost every time we go onto the free way (which is often) and he always points it out to me. He will ask to go to the Hospital, even though I know he really doesn't understand what is there. He knows there are sick people there but that's it. We had taken him here over a month ago and just walked into the lobby and were able to see an ambulance parked outside. It wasn't too exciting. Yet, he continually asks to go there and I keep telling him we will go soon.

Well the night finally came! We are still trying to figure out what type of learner Blake is and don't know exactly what will unlock the part of his brain with creativity of language. This week he has been getting more agitated with his words and not being able to say what he wants. It is very hard to watch. He will say things like, "No that is not the word!" and begin to get very frustrated or cry. I am not sure if he is really realizing it or if he is just repeating me when I will tell him he means a different word at times. It breaks my heart none the less. Over dinner we decided really last minute that we would fulfill his request of going to the hospital when we were finished.

Matt is so good to me. I could only eat a few bites of dinner and was washing the dishes with tears pouring down my face out of emotional exhaustion and uncertainty. During dinner Blake got frustrated with his words and started crying. He then wanted to go to the Hospital and Matt said we should all go and then get Dairy Queen after. I'm thankful for a husband who knows that things like this help my heart. And it made Blake excited to finally be able to go to the Hospital again.

Once we got there, we followed an ambulance to the back but they had a patient so we didn't want to get in their way so we walked to the very front of the hospital. There really isn't too much to look at when you walk into the lobby and hallway of a hospital. We didn't want to bring the kids into any hallways or next to patients in their rooms. It really didn't seem appropriate. So we walked the perimeter of the hallways around the bottom floor and pointed out all the doctors and nurses that we saw. We walked through the emergency room on our way out.

On our way to the car, we saw that the paramedics were cleaning out the ambulance. So we walked back over and I started pointing out some of the features from a distance. One of the paramedics invited us over to come see it and said he would turn the lights on for us. He then told Blake he could go inside. This brought him so much worry and he started crying but thankfully we calmed him down and said we would go with him and show him. I wonder at times what is going on in his mind. What he really hears. I know he can't process language at a 3 year old level, so we try to be understanding. He is also a sensitive child by nature. He gets that from his mama! :) Matt took him inside and pointed out a few things.

On our way to go get ice cream, Blake was telling us that the ambulance was scary. It is hard for us to know if that is what he really means, because scary is something he calls almost all new experiences. He can't convey his feelings and thoughts in many ways, so I am not sure if he was really scared or what. We tried to tell him it wasn't scary, but that it was something new! And that it was neat to be able to go inside and see everything. He also said he didn't like the people. A common phrase we hear after anywhere we go. Again, I am trying to teach him it is not that he doesn't like them, it is that he doesn't know them and that is okay! We still have to be kind to them and not yell at them.

I am very thankful for this experience. I am not sure what Blake thought over-all, but I know the more experiences he gets and the more he gets out of his "routine" of places he typically goes, the better. It will only open more memories and hopefully avenues of communication. He often talks through memories, so I guess the more the merrier.

Please continue to pray for my heart for those who are praying. Most parents have the role of care giver and disciplinarian, amongst other roles of course. I feel overwhelmed as I am not only care giver and disciplinarian for Blake, but I am also his therapist, constant teacher in almost all things, and his best friend. He needs me to play, to help correct his speech almost continually, and to help draw out his feelings. Emotionally this takes a toll. No one can understand that type of burden unless they are walking it. I apologize to those whose friendships I have let slip in the process of all this the past couple of months. Please be patient with me as I learn how to balance life and where to put my energy. I need your friendship and encouragement now more than ever. And if I seem like I am constantly burdened with tears and fears, it's because I am. BUT GOD is working in my heart in ways I can't even begin to explain.

10,000 Reasons

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman is one of my all time favorite worship songs. If you have never heard it or are unfamiliar with the words, please take a second and listen to it.

This song became popular around August 2012. I remember when it became popular, but it was the song that came on the radio the day that I had my first miscarriage. I had piled Blake into my car and drove the 45 minute drive from Glendale out to my OB office in Gilbert when I started spotting. This song has some very powerful words in it. But the line that stuck with me was as follows:

The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes

I knew that no matter the outcome of that appointment, I wanted to be singing God's praises when the evening came. We began singing this song at church, and there has not been one time that this song has been sung that I have not been drawn to that day that we lost our baby. We even sang this very song two days later in church as tears fell down my cheeks.

I am not sure why people keep miscarriage a secret and why people do not share in it. It is nothing to be ashamed about and something that I don't want to keep secret. God is the author of life. He will give and He will take away. And those 8 weeks that I got to keep that baby were the exact amount of time that God had planned for that baby. And let's be honest: that baby is far better than I am right now, because that baby is with God in heaven experiencing no pain and forever with a God who loves him or her more than I ever could on earth.

This blog has become a sort of "therapy" for me. A journal of some sort. A way to type out my emotions and my thoughts and to praise and cry with God along the way. As I sit here at Starbucks tonight, it's 9:21pm and my boys are in bed while my loving husband is at home with them probably watching a movie. I sit in here with a few tears in my eyes as I am emotionally drained. And I tell God that. He knows. I am very real with God. After all, He knows my heart and my emotions and I was encouraged to be real with God. I have been real with Him about my journey with Blake and He has met me where I am: broken and completely dependent on Him.

And He continues to meet me. He has met me more recently with my second miscarriage. We lost our second baby almost 2 weeks ago. And although we only knew for a couple weeks, it was still devastating to me. I questioned God. I questioned why He would allow me to go through this again. And again, I am reminded that God had this all planned out. It was a blessing to carry that child for such a short time, and he or she is far better off than I am. He or she is with God already.

We sang 10,000 Reasons in church the Sunday before I miscarried. I tried to not fear another miscarriage. But that fear came and it lingered with me. Sure enough, we lost the baby. But I almost knew it was coming and that God was giving me this song to remind me to keep on singing when the evening comes. And so tonight, this evening, I am singing. Not out loud. But my heart is singing in this Starbucks as I continually am broken and forced to pour my heart out to a God who is in COMPLETE control.

That is the only comfort I have. God is in control and loves me. And I have 10,000 reasons to praise Him.

Update #5

I don't even know how to start some of my blogs.  I feel like my examples I share week to week are hard to even comprehend for most who don't have any idea how significant these little "changes" are. But I want to continue to share them for those who are interested and for my own sake. I want to sing God's praises and share Blake's successes.

But today I saw it first hand at Speech. Blake and I had been talking about people's cars and what colors they were on our drive. We were speculating what color Ms. Katie's car was, and he suggested white and blue. I told him he could always ask Ms. Katie if he wanted to when he got to Speech. He has been curious at times in the past, but normally his curiosity is gone as quick as it came. And without my prompting, he usually leaves his questions in the past and moves on. Which is why my mouth dropped, my heart was overflowing with happy tears (my heart cries a lot these days), and I beamed the biggest smile when Blake pointed to Ms. Katie right when he saw her enter the room and ask, "What color your car?" For those wondering, her car was white. Ms. Katie didn't have the same reaction I did as she doesn't know him as well and probably figured he could say things like this often. But I was sure to immediately praise him and tell him he did a GREAT job asking Ms. Katie and using his words.

We had a play date this week with Jack and Shane from church. Jack is almost 4 and Shane is almost 2. Blake LOVED following Jack around and I loved watching the two interact. Jack had a little Jeep that he drove them around in in the backyard. Blake tried to drive it a couple times, but he couldn't quite figure it out! He would ask Jack, "Do you want to go play in your room?" and it was so encouraging to see him invite other kids to play and to offer a suggestion. He invites me to play SO well these days and I love seeing him do that with other kids too.

We were also went to our friends house, the Miles, for dinner last Thursday. God has brought this family into our lives and has given them such a special place in our heart. They understand how we feel more than any of our friends because they live it every day too. I am so grateful for Kamille and her encouragement and have loved getting to know this sweet family better. We look forward to a play date with them this Friday morning. Blake has even named some of his Little People's after them, especially Mr. Josh.

In some bullet points, here are some of this week's highlights:
-While putting a basketball into the kid's hoop, Blake said to me, "Good job, Mom!" He doesn't comment very often so this was neat to see. Especially when I didn't know he was watching me.
-He asked to help me put the groceries into the trunk. He doesn't offer to help much or to be very involved in what I am doing. He wants me to be involved with him, but this was neat to see him ask to be involved in what I was doing.
-One afternoon Blake looked over at me and said, "Maybe I could get a hug from you?" I said absolutely and he ran and gave me a hug and then went back to playing. Melted my heart!
-Kade ran to the street (surprise surprise) and before I got to him, Blake took him by his hand and was telling him to not do that and to come back inside like I had said. This is one of the first times that Blake hasn't gone along with Kade and has stopped his actions that would lead him to trouble. He still usually will copy what Kade does, even when it is something he should not do. I loved seeing him be a big brother and help Kade.
-Yesterday was one of the most encouraging days for me. I can't even put it into words, but the way he was talking with me during play was the best yet. It was almost as if he was actually having a conversation with me and was so quick to lead the play almost on his own. I'm thankful for days like yesterday that were such a light to my heart. Because with an afternoon like today where I was brought to my knees in tears and in prayer to God, they remind me that God is still at work. And that this is ultimately God's battle. I pray for God to give me strength almost daily.

Blake and Kade love driving with Daddy around the block one time some days when Matt gets home from work. This was Kade's first time and he loved it!

This is our sign that I made to help Blake remember he needs to put his undies back on after going potty. This is still a struggle for us, but he is getting better. I asked him one day what he thought number 4 would be, and he thought a bit and said, "DRY YOUR HANDS!" So I drew #4 after the fact. 

Blake will sometimes come into the workout room with me while I finish a workout. Today he laid down on the bench and said, "I'm exercising Mom." If only exercising were that easy.... ;)

I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to be these 2 boys' Mommy! I wouldn't trade them for the world! Thanks for all who care and love on us!