Ross Baby #6!

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here, for a couple reasons. First being our busy schedule just getting the best of us. Our week is packed with school and therapies amongst other things! I am praising and thanking God that a routine has been established and we have all adjusted well! This was our October calendar- I have never been a physical calendar person until this year when it has become a necessity! 

Second, I haven't posted too much because there really isn't too much to post. There will never be a post regarding Blake in the near future where I can confidently say, "He has outgrown it all!" Unless God chooses to do that, which we pray for of course. But these past few months have given me a peace I have never experienced in this area before and one I am truly thankful for. What I can say is that Blake is continually to make more and more progress by the day! He is doing fantastic in his therapy sessions and in preschool. We are working on socially interacting appropriately, giving correct responses, reading emotions, planning, categorization, sequencing, and becoming more flexible in nature. It is just something that has become so routine. And these things no longer stand out to me as these impossible things to overcome because we already have seen GREAT progress. Blake is perfectly made to be exactly the way God wants him to be and he is such a sweetheart. He works so hard day in and day out to learn these things. God has given us much grace and His mercies are new every morning to tackle these things we have been given. I have a confidence that he will overcome these issues in the future because he already is so "mild" with whatever he has - and who knows exactly with the ever-changing diagnosis game and criteria. We don't need a label and we are very thankful label's don't define us as people. The only label I want following him around in his life is "Christian" and I pray for his heart everyday. We have seen him begin to understand a little more about God and Jesus and we are thankful for that. That is our ultimate goal for our sweet son! With the being said, please continue to pray for him and for our family. There are still days filled with many battles as we teach things so directly over and over and over again.... and then again. And again. Some days can be quite overwhelming, but God has been SO faithful this year with so much successes already. Praise be to God ALONE! 

The third reason for being behind is that I have been so tired from carrying our 6th baby, and Lord willing, our 3rd baby we will get to hold in this life time! We found out we were pregnant on October 4th while we were in Pinetop. It was very exciting and we were pleasantly surprised! My pregnancy tests I took at home got darker so much more quickly than with my miscarriages which was comforting and exciting to see. 

 This pregnancy has given my crazy food craving and aversions already. Pretty much all protein sounds disgusting which has been hard since that comprised over half my diet before. Even most healthy foods I had to literally get out of the house - and I'm talking about things I used to LOVE. Its been so crazy and different. But who doesn't want an excuse to eat a Pumpkin Pie blizzard by your fire pit with your hubby because "baby" wanted it? ;) 

And this pickle and ranch combo that was a hit at first is now a NEVER AGAIN thing. 

I sent this picture to Matt one morning that I spent in our bathroom. For a few weeks I was very nauseous and tired and even threw up. This was super rough just with having to be out of the house every day multiple times. Thankfully I am feeling very well now at 9.5 weeks! 

 Oh coffee how I miss you... maybe I will love you again soon. Don't forget about me. 

We got to see our baby at 6.5 weeks which was just SO amazing and wonderful. I was so worried when they did the initial ultrasound because I didn't know what they were looking for and they weren't talking much and i couldn't see anything that looked like a baby. They took all the measurements for the ovaries first so it was good those were empty! :) But at one point the tech asked, "Are you experiencing pain on your left side?" and I said yes which made me a little nervous, but apparently I just had a small cyst on my left ovary which can be common. We eventually did see our baby and my eyes immediately filled with tears and I covered my face to stop crying when I heard the heartbeat. SO amazing after longing to hear that 3 times before and never having the opportunity. We go again on November 30 at 11.5 weeks for another ultrasound. We can not wait! :) And I can't wait to meet this baby, Lord willing, on June 16, 2016! 

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow! 

Brownies and Donuts

My 2 musicians. I wouldn't be surprised if Blake ended up being a musician when he grew up. He LOVES to play the air drums, guitar, trumpet, violin.... you name it. He loves to sing all of the time too. It's sweet. 

Our Santa beard! 

Donut Run with two cuties! 

Kade got to make brownies with us for the first time. It was quite the experience and was a lot more messy than usual! :) 

Of course he loved the best part: licking the brownie batter! 

Blake found a strainer in the cabinet and told me he was catching bugs with his net. My kitchen supplies are used for many things these days...

Love these two boys oh so much! They are constantly at each other's side. When Kade naps, Blake just doesn't seem to be himself. He asks if he can go wake Kade up. I love it so much. 

Praise upon Praise

I feel my son has turned ANOTHER corner.... his learning is just growing by the day.

Blake is...

-talking to us about things that he has just done without our asking.

-talking with Kade as they interact together. Kade is finally getting to the age where they choose to be with each other when possible.

-using his imagination to make things other objects and see different things in other objects. 

-continually tying his experiences back to something he knows or a prior experience. "It's like..." and "Remember when..." are common phrases we hear all the time now!

-beginning to make inferences on why things are happening. He is not always correct, but this is new and a positive.

-wanting to make sure we are listening. "Stop that and hear me." 

-has mastered climbing in and out of Kade's crib on his own! Ha! 

-wanting to help with many more things on his own initiative. "Can I help you?!" Love those words!

-playing with Kade and taking turns instead of trying to take everything on his.

-playing with more imagination! He still imagines the same things, but he has a desire for make believe. As I write this he was grocery shopping and asked me for a bag for his carrots and his peas. 

-riding his bike around the house like a mad man! His coordination is fantastic.

-asking more and more questions.

-loving preschool from what we can tell, and from the glimpses I can see from the window and the report from the teacher.

My counselor teaches childhood psychology to Master students. I have found her very helpful. She has a lot of information and I believe God brought her into my life for a reason. Blake follows a borderline for a high-functioning autism diagnosis (at least in my eyes... maybe that is why I am in counseling? ha). Although not one therapist believes he truly has it, my counselor has been helping me see what is typical 3 year old behavior. She also said the type of interaction he already shows and expresses with others keeps him off the spectrum and that he couldn't be placed on it because of that. For a kid who has never struggled with eye contact one day in his life or being with others, that was encouraging to hear and something I know to be true of him. They say his lack of talking keeps him from socially interacting in a way that kids his age have the capability of doing.

" I have had more of a peace about his overall diagnosis which is pretty much one of they have no clue. But his official one of "Communication Disorder" and "Developmental Delay" seems to be more and more true as the last 6 months have played out. And the projected time frame of 5.5 years old for being fully caught up (2 years from now) seems almost reachable for the first time. Of course, that being said, only through the grace and work of Christ in Blake's life. Blake's successes are owed to God answering lots of prayers and displaying His power in Blake. 

Along with 4 days of speech therapy, 1 day of music therapy,  and 2 days of preschool, we also give Blake a highly antioxidant supplement, a high-quality probiotic, and use an essential oil blend every day. There have been lots of theories out there that connect the gut and the brain. I feel I have seen such a huge impact since introducing a probiotic, but i don't believe we will ever be able to pinpoint the exact thing helping those leaps other than GOD'S hand. We also have taken him gluten free for 90% of his diet. We don't control what is outside the house for now, but everything in our house is gluten free for him as well as for Matt. 

Thank you for your prayers friends. It has been a journey and a struggle at that. God is continually revealing my lack of trust, my fear, and my lack of patience on a daily basis. I pray God will use all these trials to help conform me more into Christ's image and to be an encouragement to others around me. I pray so deeply that we will get past this and I can use my experiences to encourage other moms going through this in the future. I try not to make it this "Well God, you heal my son and I will be used by you in the future" thing. Regardless of the outcome, I pray God uses me for His glory. 

Friends, what would we do without Christ? He is my hope. He is my Rock. His Word brings comfort.

"But Moses said to the LORD, ‘O my LORD, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.’ Then the LORD said to him, ‘Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?’” - Exodus 4:10-11

I pray God uses Blake in such a huge way like He used Moses. God doesn't choose just those who are eloquent in speech. God made the mouth and He can make man use it. GOD PLEASE DO THAT IN BLAKE! 

Family Pics 2015

We were able to take some family pictures again this summer while in MN - thanks to my sister-in-law Erica! Blake did fantastic and was SUPER cooperative which was a blessing. Kade, on the other hand, wasn't so excited to sit still for some good pictures. Hence the very few pics we have of him truly smiling. Candy did help bring out the smiles! 

God has given me the perfect husband and the perfect kids for me. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world! 

Forest Lakes 2015

Our weekend trip to Forest Lakes this summer was an absolute blast. The second we got to the cabin, Blake was attached to his Opa! They immediately went to the garden where Opa showed him some different vegetables! (Opa pretended to pick this watermelon but he had actually bought it from the local store and put it under the bush for Blake to see! Ha!)

We took many golf cart rides around the block. Here Kade and I are cuddling in the back on our way to pick some eggs from someone who has chickens. Blake broke a couple as he threw them into the basket. He always cracks his hard boiled eggs at home, so he didn't realize he needed to be careful. I should have warned him! 

Blake shocked me with how well he played with these little people-animals and tree house. I have never seen his imagination so great. Its coming! 

Leave it to Kade to find the little blue rocks! Both boys enjoyed finding and playing with there. Blake even had 5 of them in his bed at night one evening. 

We went mushroom hunting in the forest during Kade's nap one afternoon. Blake kept looking for sticks and was excited to show us the ones he would find which were ALL OVER! It was cute though! 

Blake and I shared a bed - for the first time! I never knew he was such a wiggle worm and even talked in his sleep. So crazy for a kid who is in speech therapy. Love this little guy. In this picture, he looked at me, turned around and snuggled closer. 

On the way home, we stopped by the Forest Lakes Fire Department and the boys got to see the fire trucks and ambulances. Blake loves these right now. We look for them as we drive all of the time. He was so intent on me when I was explaining what everything did. Wish we could have heard what he thought of it all, but we are learning that those thoughts may be a while in coming. We are learning to appreciate what he does share, even how small it may seem to most people. 

We loved our cabin trip and our Omi and Opa! Kade got to know them even better and we had such a memorable weekend! :) We love you, Omi and Opa! Thanks for being the best great-grandparents to my boys! They love you! 

Welcome to Holland

Kamille shared this with me at our latest coffee date. I am thankful for a friend who gets it... a friend who is walking in Holland with me. We both pray we get to Italy some day, but right now, we are stuck in Holland. And I am beginning and trying to learn how to not only adapt to Holland but to enjoy the day to day life - a life so different than I had imagined. Please take a read!

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this…

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland. 

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley 

Blessings & Smiles

1. Someone in Blake's 3s class at church told one of the leaders that Blake has come such a long way in 4 months. I mentioned he used to cry and hate going to class. We were told that he is now one of the most behaved children in class. And get this - he even offered to pray for his class and did so for snack! Just another evidence of God's grace in this little boy's life. 

He sits so well in church with us before he is dismissed to go to class. He LOVES singing the songs and you can often find him playing the air drums and the air guitars during worship time. We have many people come up and tell us how awesome he is and think his air drumming is pretty darn cool. I'm thankful for a church that has wrapped their arms around our family. When I tend to get frustrated that he is drawing attention to himself and his love for music, others look at it and smile. Yesterday he tried singing every song with us which was very sweet as well. I believe he will either be an engineer or a musician when he grows up. He loves instruments so so so much and will take his toys at home and pretend they are different instruments. 

2. This may be my favorite one yet. On Saturday night we had some family friends over for dinner and Blake played like a champ with them. It does my heart so much good to see how social he is and how he tags along wherever the kids go and participates when he knows how. This is a HUGE indicator of his prognosis and is something all the therapists say is so key to why they believe his prognosis is so good. He desires other people. He desires to be around others. He is so observant. Even when not participating, he can be found watching what they are doing. Of course it may not be how I want my child to interact - but it gives me hope for the future! He also learned to ride his tricycle all around our house. Another 3 year old milestone he has again met. 

It's funny I started that paragraph and went off on something completely different. What I was leading up to was the point that he was so worn out from playing with the kids that he actually fell asleep while I cuddled him in his bed and sang him his goodnight song. He has never fallen asleep while I have sang to him. As I was getting off his squeaky bed, he opened up his eyes and told me, "I love you!" with a sleepy voice and sleepy eyes. I told him I loved him so much and he told me again, "I love you, Mommy" before he laid his head back down and went to sleep. This was one of the first times that he told me on his own initiative that he loved me. This is another evidence of God's grace and giving me a healing for my heart as I had just cried to my mom not even two days before telling her how I longed for my little boy to tell me those words on his own accord. Boy do I love my son. 

3. Last, I want to share to share some lyrics from a song that I feel has been a life song for me. I think that this song must have been written for me. Music has always been such a healing, powerful thing in my life. Perhaps Blake gets his love from his mommy. 

This song is called "Blessings" by Laura Story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ 

We pray for blessings. We pray for peace, comfort, for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering. And all the while you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. 

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a 1000 sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in your disguise?

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. And we cry in anger when we can not feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love as if every promise from your Word is not enough. And all the while you hear each desperate plea if only we would have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? And what if a 1000 sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in your disguise?

When friends betray us. When darkness seems to win we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. It's not our home. 

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise? 

It's hard to see why we go through trials. A smart friend of mine said sometimes it makes it easier just acknowledging that you are indeed going through a trial. I am going through fire but I know God will bring me through it on the other side. He is teaching me so much about myself in this journey and I hope I shine more like Christ to those around me. I don't handle every part of this in the correct way, but I pray more and more of my sinful heart dies in this process as I lean on God and live a life of TRUST. My biggest struggle is living what I know. The longest journey you could ever take is from your head to your heart. Knowing and living are two vastly different things and I have never had to live my faith in this way ever in my life before. But as this song says, God loves me way too much to give me lesser things. He loves me far too much to give me anything but the life He has chosen for me. It is perfectly designed for me and my heart. 

Ultimately Matt told me something that is so true and one that has helped shift my thinking. At the end of the day if Blake doesn't fit into this world, it is not a big deal. Our goal is not to fit into this world but to have a heart that loves God. As long as Blake loves the Lord with all his heart, nothing else matters. Nothing. 

Then and Now: 4 Month Update

I thought that I would do a "Then and Now" post as we hit the 4 month mark of becoming aware of Blake's challenges and the obstacles that we are in the process of overcoming. February 18th was the fateful day that flipped my world upside down. My world stopped. In some ways, I felt my heart stopped. My world is beginning to come back to life little by little, and my heart is becoming more at peace. Slowly.

I know people have said I am a different person than I used to be. This bothered me for some time, but not anymore. I would actually fully heartedly agree. I AM a different person. I can never go back to who I used to be, although some days I wish I could. When you find out that your child has delays and that his prognosis is good, but unknown... it is hard. It does change your outlook on life. It changes how you personally live your life. It changes how you parent your child. It brings along with it a whole new ballgame with no rule book because every kid, especially one who learns differently, doesn't have a rule book. It is a "figure out as you go" kind of game. And it can be terrifying, overwhelming, frustrating, and amazing at the same time. Let me explain. 

Over the past 4 months, my understanding and heart for kids with delays has grown tremendously. Yes, I worked with kids who had delays for years. Yes, I even had some children in my classroom who would be considered to have "special" needs. But it hits you in a way like you wouldn't believe when that child is your child. 

We have had many moments of frustration. But we have also had joy beyond comparison when you see your child do something or say something that most parents take for granted. There are numerous smiles that my husband and I exchange at home and in public over things that Blake will say or do. Things that truly go unnoticed by everyone around us because they continue on with their talking or actions as if nothing big happened. But our hearts are swelling with pure joy, amazement, and thankfulness to God over those little things that do not go unnoticed by parents eagerly waiting for them to happen. I bet most parents can't tell you the first day their child asked a "why" question. That happened yesterday, June 15th. Or the first day that their child told them a memory. That happened March 6th and involved Mickey Mouse and elephants.  I enjoy the little things. I see God's goodness in ways many people won't ever have the opportunity to see it. I am blessed. Wait, did I just say that I am blessed? Yes. But it has taken 4 months for me to say so. I see God work in mighty ways through my 3 year old. It is something that has brought so many tears, but also a new sense of God and His power. And for that, I truly am blessed. 

Here are just some of the ways I want to highlight God's goodness to Blake and our family over the past 4 months. Buckle up and be ready to be AMAZED because I know I am: 

-Then: Blake couldn't tell you what you were doing. He couldn't answer a yes or no question. He couldn't tell you if you were holding a cup or not. He would repeat every question you asked him. 

-Now: Blake has mastered answering yes and no questions in speech. It is a goal he PASSED! He answers most yes and no questions with a YES and not an "okay" like he used to do 90% of the time. He not only tells us what he is doing but what others are doing. This morning after he asked to hold my hand while walking around campus, we saw a dog and he said, "That dog is running!" and started giggling as this cute, little dog ran past us. He will tell me if Kade is doing something wrong even at times instead of joining in. 

-Then: He laughed every time he got disciplined. He couldn't not tell me if he disobeyed or obeyed. He couldn't tell me what he did wrong. He just stared.

-Now: He hates discipline, go figure! He tries to justify his actions by saying, "But I was just......" He explains what he did. He will go tell others sorry and give them hugs. He can tell us what Jesus did on the cross. He will remind us to pray. Oh God's goodness is there friends. I get teary just writing this. I pray often for Blake's heart for Jesus and two days ago he asked his Daddy to read the Bible and to pray with him. 

-Then: I had to hold Blake and carry him to the living room every single morning when he woke up.

And if I didn't, he cried hysterically. It ruined his morning. It was the only real routine he would freak out at if we did differently.

-Now: After working hard to do that routine differently every day, which involved me turning on lights one day, opening blinds another, walking in like a robot and talking like one, crawling into his room acting like a lion, hopping like a bunny, sending Kade in to climb all over him.... he finally realized I do not have to do the same thing the same way every morning. He loves routine. But we are working on flexibility, and it made my heart smile when he crawled out of his room on his hands and knees on his own. Every day I consciously try to do my day differently and talk to him in ways that are different and unpredictable. 

-Then: Only played with shapes, letters, and numbers. All day. Those were the only things he requested to watch on TV. He couldn't pretend other things were other objects. He was very literal. He needed structured activities.

-Now: Play is still a challenge and the most discouraging part of this whole journey. But it is also one where I see amazing growth. Blake will now wear any shoes he can find, hats, and sunglasses around the house and say he is pretending to be daddy or Tata. He will tell us he has to go to work, and go into his car and drive around and come back and say, "I'm home!" He will play with his Pablo and pretend it's his baby. He will even take cars and drive them around occasionally on the floor. He will pretend he is a dinosaur (and bite his brother... oye) and run around roaring. He will let Pablo take a turn in his potty and give him a bath in the poopy toilet water (lots of laundry and explaining). Play is still very basic. But as you can see, it's different. He still lacks creativity, but it is coming. We are looking into finding play therapy for him. He still loves to play with Kade! And we love to see him try to broaden his play.

-Then: He cried hysterically when dropping him off at his 3 year old class at church.

-Now: He asks us to go line up for his church class. He tells me on the way home from camp that he wants to go to camp tomorrow. He can't wait to go to camp in the morning and I never have any issues other than that first day with a few tears. 

Those are just a few examples of the change that I have seen in my son in the past 4 months. He went from not willingly talking to stringing together sentence after sentence. He still has a long way to go. And some days I wonder if he will make it. Matt is quick to tell me he is making it. Just look at how far he has come! That's not to say I don't have nightmares and no longer have moments when I am completely overwhelmed with fear. Because his prognosis is unknown and his prognosis isn't the same as the kid sitting next to him at Speech Camp. This is where I still ask for your prayers friends. PLEASE pray he will MAKE it in every sense of the word. I want him to overcome this so bad. 

Like I told you earlier, I have a new view on children with delays and difficulties. They have it harder than you or me. They have to learn how to read a situation and then find the right words to say. They have fear and anxiety that we will never understand due to their lack of understanding and their lack of ability to filter information. They work so much harder than you and me to just live life. They have to rewire their thoughts, their natural inclinations, and they have to be explicitly taught how to do so many things. Please consider their perspective friends. When you see melt downs that you would never allow your child to make, please don't assume it is a lack of parenting. Don't make those judgements. Children with delays often melt down out of frustration and fear. Yes, parenting is involved. But it is more than that for a child with special needs. Show grace. Give a smile to that struggling parent. You don't know their situation. And I have been humbled many times. 

Please REJOICE with me. Isn't God fantastic friends?! His faithfulness and goodness to me leave me speechless. "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear." - Psalm 118:6a. I have the God of the universe on my side. He is for me. The commander of all angels. The One that holds my every breath in His hands. I thank Jesus for the cross that allows me to have this amazing, awesome God as my friend. He has walked every step of this journey with me, even when I have felt completely alone. 

A Day in My Life

A Day in My Life...

A friend sent me a link to a blog about a mom who has a son with autism and a sensory processing disorder. The blog was very well written and told of all the things she is thankful for. But when I first got the text and saw the link with the words "a special needs mom", my heart fell to my stomach and I didn't immediate read it.

You see, I have this fear of falling into that camp. I don't want that label because I don't want a label for my son. I want the only "label" the psychologist gave him: developmental delay and communication disorder. And a 2 year prognosis of getting him "caught up". I wish I knew what that looked like. I don't want a label that elicits more fear and anxiety, although I don't know if it is possible for me to have more fear in the area of Blake.

I still question his diagnosis and if it is accurate. When I see him walking on his tiptoes or walking slightly funny, fear boils up and threatens to pour over. When he does things that are not typical, it hurts me to my core because I want him to be okay. I want him to understand. I want him to talk freely. I want to talk to him and not question if he is actually understanding me. As I type this I have tears pouring down my face. Again.

I don't want to write this post in one of all sadness. But when I feel like I do at this very moment and people are tired of hearing about the same things every day, this is a place for me to turn. "It's a two year process for a reason." "So what if he doesn't fully catch up?" "You just need to trust." All these statements are ones I receive all the time and are ones I know. I know it isn't an "easy" fix. I know I will figure out how to help him, even if he doesn't fully catch up. I know I need to trust. But these answers are like bandaids on a broken heart. My heart is broken.

Despite my broken heart, I pull myself together every morning and try to be the best mom I can for my boys. I try to be a good wife, although I feel like I have a long ways to go in this area. I don't know how to make time for myself, and yet I know I need to take care of myself since I have another baby in my belly. One I am SO thankful for. For that reason alone I will try to figure out how to get through this. I just wish I knew the "end" date. I wish I knew the day Blake will be "caught up". It would make all this time in the process so much easier.

But that is not how God works. Sometimes I feel like the weakest Christian alive. I know that when I am weak, God provides me the strength. And His mercies are new with every sunrise. I  couldn't get through the day without His grace. And I wouldn't see the progress I DO see in Blake apart from God's work in Blake's life. I struggle practically living in the knowledge that this is all apart of God's plan. One of the only thoughts that truly calms my heart in times like now is this: "God has Blake the way he is today. It could change tomorrow. But today this is how Blake is and we will just keep working at it." There is no use in crying. But I say that once the tears are abated and I can breathe again. It usually happens once I have a moment of quiet away from the kids.

So back to the blog I mentioned earlier... this blog listed everything she was thankful for. I thought I would try to do the same...

I am thankful for my son. Blake is who made me mommy and the first person to absolutely steal my heart the first second I laid eyes on him. He is my constant companion and best buddy. He brings me so much joy and I have loved watching him grow. He aims to please, is cautious, loves his brother, and absolutely positively is 100% a Mommy's boy. He loves to laugh and make people laugh.

I am thankful for a husband who works hard to provide for us. Many people who are in our situation also deal with the financial burden of providing therapies for their kids. I am thankful that Matt's income allows us to not stress over the financial part of this. Therapy is expensive. We spend $90 a week for 50 minutes of therapy for Blake. That doesn't include camp or preschools. Or the resources I am continually buying in an effort to help him. God is gracious to allow money not stand in the way of us giving what we feel is best for Blake.

I am thankful for Ms. Katie and her knowledge of how speech works. She is so patient with me and listens to any concerns I bring up. Blake loves her and I appreciate all the love and help she gives to him. I know that Blake has grown TREMENDOUSLY over the past 3 months.

I am thankful for the friends who are walking a similar path to mine who have been understanding and have helped lead me in the right direction. For the time spent sending me emails and phone numbers and links to help me get ahold of people to help my son.

I am thankful for my friends and family who have listened to my worries and tears. Who have come along side me to support me in the ways that they can. It means so much.

I believe I mentioned how we recently got denied services from DDD and the state because Blake did not qualify. But I also believe that he is not receiving enough help with only 50 minutes a week. More calls and paperwork are in the process with Gilbert Public Schools now to get him evaluated to see if he meets criteria for their free preschool which meets in the afternoons. It would mean a busy life for Mr. Blake... and it is something we will have to pray about. But it is also something that could be most beneficial for him.

Points of prayer:
1) The process with Gilbert Public Schools and deciding whether this would be a good fit for Blake with additional preschool.
2) Blake is currently working on "Who" questions. This is so hard for him. As well as he/she.
3) Blake's play: he simply can't play apart from me. He literally chooses to sit on the couch MOST of the day. That isn't to say all day, but its a good portion.

I feel like I make Blake sound "special" when I write about him. He is definitely behind in some areas, but he is also right on track in some areas for a 3 year old. He still loves people and being social which is one of the best things about him. It is also comforting as this is such a positive sign.

So rather than ending this post on a sad note, I will end it on some positives:
1) Blake has finally started hitting the "functional" play stage. He takes Pablo around with him and says he is his baby. He will only feed him, give him bath, etc. if I am playing with him and there next to him, but not on his own.
2) He is getting better at remembering steps to going potty.
3) He is starting to try to tell us his emotions. He isn't always correct, but he is trying.
4) I have seen SOME improvement already in 2 days when it comes to WHO questions.
5) He requests to do things on his own more, like pouring his own cereal.
6) He crawled out of his room today and said he was a baby. Something that was using his imagination. He continually acts like he himself is a baby ever since we have talked about Baby Pagel and the baby growing in my belly. He says its a sister and that we will name her Sarai.
7) His eye contact continually becomes better and better which makes me realize he is understanding more and more of what I say.
8) He is more helpful and follows simple directions without me having to repeat myself often now.
9) He is still scared of public potties and their flushers, but is not crying at least now when we go in.
10) He is calling out emotions when he sees them on other people. He doesn't know how to respond always, but he at least is learning to recognize them.
11) He tells Kade sorry when he knocks him down. He realizes when he has hurt him (sometimes) and apologizes.
12) He tries to insert his thoughts while we are talking not directly to him but with other people on the phone or to Matt. He over hears and inserts some thoughts. I am not used to hearing him insert his words which makes me realize he is listening to almost everything I say and is understanding some of it. To the extent, I am not sure.
13) Books are seeming to come to life for him! He is answering yes or no questions or basic questions from memory when we talk about it after. We go back through the book and talk about people's faces and their emotions. I asked him why the brother was sad and he said, "The baby took tr..." Which I helped him finish "train." This was a WHY question and one of the first ones he answered.
14) He asks me questions that are now different than "What are you doing." He has asked questions like, "What are you putting on?" "Where did you go?" These are amazing to me when I see them becoming more specific.