Blessings & Smiles

1. Someone in Blake's 3s class at church told one of the leaders that Blake has come such a long way in 4 months. I mentioned he used to cry and hate going to class. We were told that he is now one of the most behaved children in class. And get this - he even offered to pray for his class and did so for snack! Just another evidence of God's grace in this little boy's life. 

He sits so well in church with us before he is dismissed to go to class. He LOVES singing the songs and you can often find him playing the air drums and the air guitars during worship time. We have many people come up and tell us how awesome he is and think his air drumming is pretty darn cool. I'm thankful for a church that has wrapped their arms around our family. When I tend to get frustrated that he is drawing attention to himself and his love for music, others look at it and smile. Yesterday he tried singing every song with us which was very sweet as well. I believe he will either be an engineer or a musician when he grows up. He loves instruments so so so much and will take his toys at home and pretend they are different instruments. 

2. This may be my favorite one yet. On Saturday night we had some family friends over for dinner and Blake played like a champ with them. It does my heart so much good to see how social he is and how he tags along wherever the kids go and participates when he knows how. This is a HUGE indicator of his prognosis and is something all the therapists say is so key to why they believe his prognosis is so good. He desires other people. He desires to be around others. He is so observant. Even when not participating, he can be found watching what they are doing. Of course it may not be how I want my child to interact - but it gives me hope for the future! He also learned to ride his tricycle all around our house. Another 3 year old milestone he has again met. 

It's funny I started that paragraph and went off on something completely different. What I was leading up to was the point that he was so worn out from playing with the kids that he actually fell asleep while I cuddled him in his bed and sang him his goodnight song. He has never fallen asleep while I have sang to him. As I was getting off his squeaky bed, he opened up his eyes and told me, "I love you!" with a sleepy voice and sleepy eyes. I told him I loved him so much and he told me again, "I love you, Mommy" before he laid his head back down and went to sleep. This was one of the first times that he told me on his own initiative that he loved me. This is another evidence of God's grace and giving me a healing for my heart as I had just cried to my mom not even two days before telling her how I longed for my little boy to tell me those words on his own accord. Boy do I love my son. 

3. Last, I want to share to share some lyrics from a song that I feel has been a life song for me. I think that this song must have been written for me. Music has always been such a healing, powerful thing in my life. Perhaps Blake gets his love from his mommy. 

This song is called "Blessings" by Laura Story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ 

We pray for blessings. We pray for peace, comfort, for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering. And all the while you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. 

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a 1000 sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in your disguise?

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. And we cry in anger when we can not feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love as if every promise from your Word is not enough. And all the while you hear each desperate plea if only we would have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? And what if a 1000 sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in your disguise?

When friends betray us. When darkness seems to win we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. It's not our home. 

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise? 

It's hard to see why we go through trials. A smart friend of mine said sometimes it makes it easier just acknowledging that you are indeed going through a trial. I am going through fire but I know God will bring me through it on the other side. He is teaching me so much about myself in this journey and I hope I shine more like Christ to those around me. I don't handle every part of this in the correct way, but I pray more and more of my sinful heart dies in this process as I lean on God and live a life of TRUST. My biggest struggle is living what I know. The longest journey you could ever take is from your head to your heart. Knowing and living are two vastly different things and I have never had to live my faith in this way ever in my life before. But as this song says, God loves me way too much to give me lesser things. He loves me far too much to give me anything but the life He has chosen for me. It is perfectly designed for me and my heart. 

Ultimately Matt told me something that is so true and one that has helped shift my thinking. At the end of the day if Blake doesn't fit into this world, it is not a big deal. Our goal is not to fit into this world but to have a heart that loves God. As long as Blake loves the Lord with all his heart, nothing else matters. Nothing. 

Then and Now: 4 Month Update

I thought that I would do a "Then and Now" post as we hit the 4 month mark of becoming aware of Blake's challenges and the obstacles that we are in the process of overcoming. February 18th was the fateful day that flipped my world upside down. My world stopped. In some ways, I felt my heart stopped. My world is beginning to come back to life little by little, and my heart is becoming more at peace. Slowly.

I know people have said I am a different person than I used to be. This bothered me for some time, but not anymore. I would actually fully heartedly agree. I AM a different person. I can never go back to who I used to be, although some days I wish I could. When you find out that your child has delays and that his prognosis is good, but unknown... it is hard. It does change your outlook on life. It changes how you personally live your life. It changes how you parent your child. It brings along with it a whole new ballgame with no rule book because every kid, especially one who learns differently, doesn't have a rule book. It is a "figure out as you go" kind of game. And it can be terrifying, overwhelming, frustrating, and amazing at the same time. Let me explain. 

Over the past 4 months, my understanding and heart for kids with delays has grown tremendously. Yes, I worked with kids who had delays for years. Yes, I even had some children in my classroom who would be considered to have "special" needs. But it hits you in a way like you wouldn't believe when that child is your child. 

We have had many moments of frustration. But we have also had joy beyond comparison when you see your child do something or say something that most parents take for granted. There are numerous smiles that my husband and I exchange at home and in public over things that Blake will say or do. Things that truly go unnoticed by everyone around us because they continue on with their talking or actions as if nothing big happened. But our hearts are swelling with pure joy, amazement, and thankfulness to God over those little things that do not go unnoticed by parents eagerly waiting for them to happen. I bet most parents can't tell you the first day their child asked a "why" question. That happened yesterday, June 15th. Or the first day that their child told them a memory. That happened March 6th and involved Mickey Mouse and elephants.  I enjoy the little things. I see God's goodness in ways many people won't ever have the opportunity to see it. I am blessed. Wait, did I just say that I am blessed? Yes. But it has taken 4 months for me to say so. I see God work in mighty ways through my 3 year old. It is something that has brought so many tears, but also a new sense of God and His power. And for that, I truly am blessed. 

Here are just some of the ways I want to highlight God's goodness to Blake and our family over the past 4 months. Buckle up and be ready to be AMAZED because I know I am: 

-Then: Blake couldn't tell you what you were doing. He couldn't answer a yes or no question. He couldn't tell you if you were holding a cup or not. He would repeat every question you asked him. 

-Now: Blake has mastered answering yes and no questions in speech. It is a goal he PASSED! He answers most yes and no questions with a YES and not an "okay" like he used to do 90% of the time. He not only tells us what he is doing but what others are doing. This morning after he asked to hold my hand while walking around campus, we saw a dog and he said, "That dog is running!" and started giggling as this cute, little dog ran past us. He will tell me if Kade is doing something wrong even at times instead of joining in. 

-Then: He laughed every time he got disciplined. He couldn't not tell me if he disobeyed or obeyed. He couldn't tell me what he did wrong. He just stared.

-Now: He hates discipline, go figure! He tries to justify his actions by saying, "But I was just......" He explains what he did. He will go tell others sorry and give them hugs. He can tell us what Jesus did on the cross. He will remind us to pray. Oh God's goodness is there friends. I get teary just writing this. I pray often for Blake's heart for Jesus and two days ago he asked his Daddy to read the Bible and to pray with him. 

-Then: I had to hold Blake and carry him to the living room every single morning when he woke up.

And if I didn't, he cried hysterically. It ruined his morning. It was the only real routine he would freak out at if we did differently.

-Now: After working hard to do that routine differently every day, which involved me turning on lights one day, opening blinds another, walking in like a robot and talking like one, crawling into his room acting like a lion, hopping like a bunny, sending Kade in to climb all over him.... he finally realized I do not have to do the same thing the same way every morning. He loves routine. But we are working on flexibility, and it made my heart smile when he crawled out of his room on his hands and knees on his own. Every day I consciously try to do my day differently and talk to him in ways that are different and unpredictable. 

-Then: Only played with shapes, letters, and numbers. All day. Those were the only things he requested to watch on TV. He couldn't pretend other things were other objects. He was very literal. He needed structured activities.

-Now: Play is still a challenge and the most discouraging part of this whole journey. But it is also one where I see amazing growth. Blake will now wear any shoes he can find, hats, and sunglasses around the house and say he is pretending to be daddy or Tata. He will tell us he has to go to work, and go into his car and drive around and come back and say, "I'm home!" He will play with his Pablo and pretend it's his baby. He will even take cars and drive them around occasionally on the floor. He will pretend he is a dinosaur (and bite his brother... oye) and run around roaring. He will let Pablo take a turn in his potty and give him a bath in the poopy toilet water (lots of laundry and explaining). Play is still very basic. But as you can see, it's different. He still lacks creativity, but it is coming. We are looking into finding play therapy for him. He still loves to play with Kade! And we love to see him try to broaden his play.

-Then: He cried hysterically when dropping him off at his 3 year old class at church.

-Now: He asks us to go line up for his church class. He tells me on the way home from camp that he wants to go to camp tomorrow. He can't wait to go to camp in the morning and I never have any issues other than that first day with a few tears. 

Those are just a few examples of the change that I have seen in my son in the past 4 months. He went from not willingly talking to stringing together sentence after sentence. He still has a long way to go. And some days I wonder if he will make it. Matt is quick to tell me he is making it. Just look at how far he has come! That's not to say I don't have nightmares and no longer have moments when I am completely overwhelmed with fear. Because his prognosis is unknown and his prognosis isn't the same as the kid sitting next to him at Speech Camp. This is where I still ask for your prayers friends. PLEASE pray he will MAKE it in every sense of the word. I want him to overcome this so bad. 

Like I told you earlier, I have a new view on children with delays and difficulties. They have it harder than you or me. They have to learn how to read a situation and then find the right words to say. They have fear and anxiety that we will never understand due to their lack of understanding and their lack of ability to filter information. They work so much harder than you and me to just live life. They have to rewire their thoughts, their natural inclinations, and they have to be explicitly taught how to do so many things. Please consider their perspective friends. When you see melt downs that you would never allow your child to make, please don't assume it is a lack of parenting. Don't make those judgements. Children with delays often melt down out of frustration and fear. Yes, parenting is involved. But it is more than that for a child with special needs. Show grace. Give a smile to that struggling parent. You don't know their situation. And I have been humbled many times. 

Please REJOICE with me. Isn't God fantastic friends?! His faithfulness and goodness to me leave me speechless. "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear." - Psalm 118:6a. I have the God of the universe on my side. He is for me. The commander of all angels. The One that holds my every breath in His hands. I thank Jesus for the cross that allows me to have this amazing, awesome God as my friend. He has walked every step of this journey with me, even when I have felt completely alone.