Update: Week 3

This week I have emotionally had my ups and downs. Blake has come such a far way in the past month, yet my heart was still so heavy. It always comes from when I see or read about other 3 year olds and what they can do and what they can say that my heart becomes discouraged. "Comparison is a thief of joy." This quote has been one given to me by a friend a long time ago, yet one that is more relevant now than ever before. Blake has made HUGE progress... but once that becomes his new normal, I am always focusing on the next thing and the end goal... which is complete ability to share freely his thoughts and feelings. I overlook all that has happened already and become easily discouraged. This blog is a way for me to realize that he HAS made progress and I need to keep that in mind. I am trying to guard my heart against bitterness and ungratefulness. God has helped Blake so much and I need to keep that in front of me instead of dwelling always on the next things to work on.

This week I haven't seen as big of a jump as I did last week in terms of Blake's speech and play. He hasn't asked to play with his ABCs in DAYS and DAYS, which is very nice. And he rarely asks me to spell anything anymore. Part of me is glad for this and part of me is sad since I knew he loved that. In the big picture though, I know it will be best for him.

Blake has continued to play with his kitchen and little peoples the most this week. I haven't seen too much of a growth in this area, but I know I shouldn't expect huge jumps each week. He still struggles playing in a new way... but he at least is still dialoging (albeit very simply) with his people and animals. This week Blake and I colored a little cardboard box and made it into a house with a bed, a potty, and a table with 4 chairs. He thought this was pretty neat and I look forward to seeing if he starts using it with his imagination this week. He still asks me to play with him all day long. This is so encouraging that he LOVES to be with people, but as you may imagine, it is also draining since I have to lead the entire play. I can't just sit back and see what happens. Because nothing will. Perhaps I need to not take as much initiative and see what would play out after minutes of silence.

An improvement I have seen, is that he is readily giving suggestions to answer my questions. We drew a fridge on his cardboard box and I asked him what foods he wanted to put in the fridge. He was able to give a few suggestions right away which would never have happened before.

Also, after a nap/rest time this week, I walked into his room and told him he could be done resting. He jumped out of his bed and said something to the extent of.... "Mom you shut the door..... its not fun.... my bed." Meaning: He did not like resting in his bed when I left him in his room. I thought it was cute and was excited to hear this "new" thought, although as you can see, it was very hard for him to put together and I had to fill in the blanks. But the fact that he tried to do this was encouraging. I pray that this becomes easy for him. I pray I am doing the right things. I am praying that speech will help him. This week I just don't know how that part of the brain will work for him. I don't know how to reach it. Its so overwhelming to me. Please be praying for my patience in this matter and for a peace. I want nothing more than to see my son communicate easily. It is painful to watch him grasp for words and phrases to put his feelings together.

He has used negatives this week for some of the first times which was amazing to hear. Like the previous example: "its not fun." As I was reading a book with the boys, he said, "not that book again." Little improvements.

This week he pointed out an airplane statute while driving. This was something new so I loved that. He seems to be getting better about bringing things to my attention. Even if it is just what he sees.

We have been working on asking and answering questions the correct way this week. He often says, "I not want to do that." Which I make him correct to say, "I DO not want to do that.." or "I DON'T want to do that." Last night I told him to repeatedly put his bell peppers in his ranch, knowing he didn't want to. He would say things like, "I want to eat it though." I knew that meant he didn't want it in his ranch, so I would say, "I do not want to put it in my ranch." Getting him to repeat this was a huge struggle. He kept wanting to leave out the DO. I would then tell him again to dip a pepper in his ranch and he would repeat the same phrase or say, "I not want to." I would then correct it for him again and make him repeat it. We did this about 15 times and he never could tell me the correct response. During these intentional language learning sessions, it is hard to not get discouraged and wonder why it is not clicking! I modeled different phrases like, "I DO not want to go outside. I DO not like my dinner. I DO not want to go to sleep." and then used the positive forms of "I DO want to eat some candy. I DO like playing with mommy." Soooooo... we continue to work on do and does and did.

As well as the word CAN. "CAN I have some milk Mommy..." He is so polite and always says please. He will come up to me all day and ask things like "Mommy..You play with me please?" And I make him repeat it with a CAN. I love his politeness and am correcting his speech what seems to me to be ALL DAY LONG.

This week he asked during one of his speech sessions, "Who is that?". Blake doesn't ask questions. He never has really been curious about this. Sometimes he would say, "What's this?" But it was usually just as a game for when he knows the correct answer already and wanted you to participate with him. Like point to a letter that I know he knew and would ask me what it is. But it has always been related to THINGS and what is this/that. This week he did pick something out of a trail mix bag and ask, "What is that?" I answered the question and praised him for asking when he did not know. He then continued to ask me "What is that?" for every thing he picked up... which then I had to explain that you do not ask that question when you already know the answer... Asking questions like this is often his way of trying to engage in a conversation. He doesn't know what to say or how to draw people into conversation except in question ways or stating what he or they are doing.

Speech therapy in general went well this week. Thursday I left speech actually thinking that we are in the right place for now. I have felt uneasy and have questioned if this is what is best for Blake. But during the last 5 minutes of his last session, I was very encouraged by what Ms. Katie said and how he is so eager to please and loves to sit at her little table and play/learn. They have been looking at cards meant for Autism and Pervasive Development Disorders that act as a springboard for answering questions. They worked on distinguishing boys from girls and answering who and what and where questions. All things he has/has had struggles with. He even told her "I don't know!" which is something new. And when he didn't know, he asked her, "What is this called?" by pointing to an object. So this week we have seen new question asking from him all thanks to speech. She reassured me again that she believes he will get all this... he is just learning it all in a way that most people don't. And we have the privilege to tear down all the walls that he has put up and try working on ways for him to learn it all.

So we have gone through pictures on my computer and have asked "WHO" is this... "Is this a boy or a girl".... "How do we know?"... "Where are they?".... and if he can't get that (which "where" is still a struggle in some cases), we ask him to look at the things around the people to help him figure it out. In these cases, this is when he has started asking "What is this called"... We start by recognizing if they are inside or outside... all things that I took for granted that he would know. I was skeptical about this type of learning. I mean how is this going to help him learn to be creative? But she reminded me that he needs to be able to express himself easily before those things can happen. Which is true. So as he can begin to answer these things quickly without so much struggle, it should help him. I know there is a process to language learning and it is one that I am not very knowledgable on. So I am trusting she knows what she is doing and will just continue to do our homework with him at home! Like looking at pictures. I have also made it a point to ask "Where are we?" when we are in the house or even at the store or in different places.

This week Blake ate cereal for the first time. While playing with Ms. Katie at speech last week, they pretended to eat cereal. She asked him if you eat cereal for breakfast or for lunch and he couldn't answer it. That is because he has never had it for breakfast before! So this week we gave some frosted rice krispie treats a shot! He was a fan! 

Update from another week

I love sharing the power of God with you.

This week I have seen SO many positive things in Blake's development that I do not even know where to begin! It is very exciting to see and I am beyond thankful to God for allowing him to grow in these areas.

I will start with a car experience. While getting into our car, Blake climbed in and looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm hot. I want to be cold." I was so excited to hear him express himself so well and to tell me what he wanted (rather than crying and me having to figure it out... let me tell you, that doesn't work quite well). He even last night told me while driving, "I'm cold. I need to go home to get my blankie." I love that he is using problem solving skills and attempting to find solutions... and verbalizing them to me!

Another example would be while we were in the waiting room at Speech Therapy. He picked up 2 random weird looking blocks and said that they were Kade and Mommy. If you know my son, he doesn't veer off the path of predictable and logical. So the fact that he used his imagination to make 2 objects something that they are not really made me smile! I can see his imagination and creativity SO much more this week. I feel like something has finally switched on, although not completely.

Speaking of imagination... this week Blake has been starting to dialogue with his toys. It started with basics of "My car is jumping" and it has progressed to him saying things like... "Let's go over here! Come on!" He has played with his 2 little owls (One a mommy and one a baby) and had them drive a truck, go down a pretend slide (car ramp), and sleep. He added at the end, "Baby swoopy needs a hug from mommy...." He dialogued between the two and had the mommy owl say things like "You need to be a good listener. Did you have fun at class today?" Things he has heard me say often! I have witnessed situations like this many times this week, and each time makes me SO hopeful and fills me with so much joy! Isn't God good??

He has also started playing with toys more the way they are intended to be played with. He made the trains ride the tracks at Speech on his own, has used his car ramp more often, takes his school bus and people for rides, plays more frequently with his kitchen in a more meaningful way, and he even lined up alls his cars with a stop light and said to me, "Mommy! I lined all my cars next to the light!" I love how he was showing me what he did! This boy has come SO far in a few short weeks.

This week he also got into some of my baking supplies and pretended to bake his own cupcakes. He even went and put them into his oven and pretended to turn the oven on. When he pulled them out he yelled, "The cakes are done!" or something like that...

While driving, he also pointed out a group of bikers. Something new that I held my tongue to see if he would say anything. And he did! I love how he is trying to talk to me more with his thoughts or just telling me what he sees.

We also notice he is more creative in his actions. For instance, he hid under my shopping cart while we were shopping and looked up at me and said, "MOM! I'm hiding under the cart!" He was insistent that he jump off a parking curb and ran back to do it when we just had helped him down. He makes his opinions known more and wants to be more independent. This has been an area of struggle in regards to how to allow this and when to step in and say "Mommy makes the rules." I love that he has his opinion and it has been something he hasn't shared frequently. But I have a feeling this is going to become an issue quickly in some situations. Please pray for wisdom.

His whining is getting better too. Instead of melting down to a point where he just cries, I am usually able to say, "Use your words" and he will try to tell me what happened or what is wrong. Instead of taking 5 minutes, this is happening very quickly which is very nice. I think he is seeing how using his words accomplishes much more!

Some areas he still needs help in are, of course, finding new ways of saying things. His language still isn't new. But HE is being more creative which I feel is a positive step in the right direction. He still says often, "I don't like....", "It's too scary...", "I'm too big for that....", etc. when he really means nothing to that extent. He is getting SO good at asking questions with pleases and no whining. "Mommy, will you come with me please?" (although the will is often left out... something I'm working on helping him correct).

Anyways, I thought I would share this update with you that was very encouraging to me. And also a verse that I read with Matt the other night and have been thinking on it...
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act." -Psalm 37:5.
I want to have faith that God will work so mightily in Blake and help him communicate better. I have tried to commit this all to God and to trust Him in this journey. And I know He will act. As I was mopping my floors yesterday, I was wondering how "He will act." I want to say that this will mean God will make Blake all better. I hope and pray that! But I don't know that for sure. Yet God says He will act. I began to realize that even if God doesn't "act" in the way that I want through Blake, I know God will act in me in a way to change my heart and give me peace. It is so comforting to remember God is for me in this and my good is in His mind and heart.

Be encouraged friends! We have a God who is WITH us and who is FOR us. How amazing is that? Thank you for your prayers... please keep them coming. I know God is listening.

Evidences of God's Grace

I want to show some evidences of God's faithfulness and goodness to us as we begin Speech Therapy and intentional language learning activities. I am very blessed to be able to stay home with Blake and to help model social language and do declarative talk throughout the day. Every day we are currently working on answering questions, using correct responses, modeling social language through play, trying to redirect those common phrases he often repeats (echolalia) with more meaningful language, and just talking, talking, talking... about anything and everything.

Some of my examples I will post may seem small and something that most people would overlook in their own child. But for our family, and for our Blake, they are PROGRESS. They are evidences of God's power and grace in his life as he begins to use language or do a social behavior we have not seen often or perhaps ever before.

This week Blake willingly shared an ice cream cone toy with Kade. We work on sharing every. single. day. and what it means to invite others to play with you through sharing. As I was sitting on my computer, I overheard Blake go over to Kade and say, "Here Kade. You can have an ice cream cone." Or something along those lines. This was such a sweet moment for me to witness and I'm so thankful I was able to hear it. Drawing others in socially can be hard, and I was so happy to see this.

On a side note, let me explain this a little bit more about Blake and his social language problem. Blake is SO social and wants to be with people all day long. He ADORES his brother and constantly wants me to play with him. From the outside, you wouldn't tell anything is really "off" until you have been around him and see his use of language in social settings. Since working with language with him, he has made HUGE improvements in some areas. For example, he tries to enter conversations now through asking questions or stating what you are doing. "Oh mom, are you washing dishes?" or "Kade is running!" These were all things he hadn't done four weeks ago.

Much stems from the problem that he can't say anything "new." He can't figure out how to creatively use language. Which correlates with his play and his lack of imagination and input in speech. For example, he saw he had eggs for breakfast and said, "Mom, I'm scared of the word eggs." Meaning, he didn't like them or want to eat them. He will say things are "scary" or "hard" if he can't get to a new word used to describe what he really wants to say - even if he knows that word. If it wasn't used in that particular context, he can't use it.

When playing, he will not really play with his toys. He more looks at them and will see what they do, but he can't imagine a scene or make a new comment to go along with them. He doesn't say, "Look at my tower!" or "Wow! This is so big!" That is too "off-script." I have over heard him pick up toys and tell me about them, i.e. their characteristics... pink shirt, girl, etc.

If I am doing some pretend play and ask him where he wants his car to go... he doesn't know. He will just repeat some place I had taken our cars in the past. Nothing new. It's not like he can't answer those questions or give an opinion... his opinion is just always one of someone else. His way of playing is always one that I had shown before. The same giraffe will go down the same slide. The same stacking cups are a birthday cake. I hope this makes more sense. It's not that he can not communicate or understand at all. He just does not use social and pragmatic language. So he will repeat what he knows or songs and phrases he has heard... in the most random spots.

Back to another victory. While going to Blake's room to help turn on a light and open his blinds (he is currently afraid of the dark), he stopped half way, looked back at Kade, and said, "Oh Kade, do you want to go?" This melted my heart. He invited Kade socially into what we were doing without any of my prompting.

We have also seen small success in play. We did a sticker activity and he finally was able to tell me what he wanted his little dogs to do after a half hour of me modeling new ideas. He kept wanting his puppy to run... for the first 4 turns. Because that is exactly what I had my puppy do the first time. He eventually began to tell me he wanted his puppy to eat watermelon (there was a watermelon on my counter), play basketball (he could see the hoop outside), read a book (he could see it on the shelf), and a few others. Notice how his creativity and imagination were directly tied to what he could physically see right in front of him as he scanned the room. This was progress though as he was able to find a new idea, even if it wasn't entirely new and creative.

He has also began putting his Little Peoples in the bus and moving the bus. Something my 16 month old can do with no prompting. But something Blake has never done. His play is structured and revolves around books, puzzles, shapes, and letters... things that are structured and have a definite way to be played with. Two nights ago, though, Blake put his people in the bus and told me they had to go to school. Another small thing to most people that could be so easily overlooked... but to me a new idea.

As we have intentionally played with him and limited greatly his ABCs, we see him in this zone of not knowing exactly what to do. When we do allow him to play with his ABCs, he doesn't for any length of time anymore. In fact, we have gone days between him even asking to play with any of that. His asking to spell everything all. day. long. has also stopped greatly as my response has been: "Spelling is for when you have your magnet doodle or letters." and will then direct him to use an appropriate response to whatever he is playing, like, "But look at that car! I bet it goes fast!" .. instead of spelling car for him (which he is very capable of doing himself).

So for those of you who are following us and praying for us, I would ask that you pray for Blake in these areas of language most. The speech therapists think that he will be able to play more creatively and stop using such scripted language and theme songs one his language develops more. Please pray for speech therapy... I was a little discouraged last week when they told me they would be primarily playing with him and modeling language... something I am fully capable of doing and am doing daily. Since language is his BIGGEST issue and the one that stems into his other areas of concern, we are really wanting therapy to be worthwhile and something we believe will help open that part of his brain.

Thanks for all of your love and support friends. It means a lot to have people by our side who are gracious and patient with Blake.  And those who are understanding when he responds with a loud NO! to comments like.. "I like your sugar packets.." (sorry to the nice lady at Starbucks who was attempting to engage my son in conversation). We don't always understand what he is hearing when we say things that would give those types of responses. But we are also trying to be understanding as he may not have the words to say or the answers he wants to communicate and therefore screams his No!

BFIAR: Jesse Bear

Oh Tot School... We did our first BFIAR Book over the past couple months. Yes, I said months. Life has been absolutely insane... and I am finally getting around to posting these pictures. We started with the book, "Jesse Bear, What Will You Wear?" It was a very cute book and Blake enjoyed reading it. Kade... not so much. His attention span is short to say the least... 

I did try to bring Kade into our activities when I could. We focused most on motor skills for him and just letting him play with whatever I gave him. He really seemed to enjoy this. He loved putting these bears in and out of the bag... 

 And stacking them on his high chair tray. He would set them all up. Look at that smile! He is definitely my smiley guy! 

I brought out the pipe cleaner and strainer... he liked this okay. He would do a couple and be done. But look at that concentration! :)

I also used straws and pipe cleaners of him to put into drilled holes of an old formula container. He would rather chew the straws... but again, he at least gave it a try and did it for a short amount of time! 

In our story, Jesse Bear plays in his sandbox and puts sand on his hand... Here Blake is acting it out at the park. Both boys have come to love the sandbox which is fun to watch. Blake hadn't always enjoyed the sand or dirt but has come around to LOVE it. He gets SO messy and usually carries half the sandbox home in his shoes...

 We worked on patterns with Jesse Bear... This was a little more tricky for him to see. He was wanting to do whatever was the last in line which is typical for his development (in hindsight of course). It is crazy how certain things about him are being made more clear as I get to know him better and discovering how his amazing brain works. 

Blake learned to spell and read 9 new vocabulary words. Here is matching the picture to the correct word. His memory is like no other. It is his biggest strength. It is something that I used to see as a blessing but struggled to see when we were going through this whole process. I've come back to realize it is a strength to recognize and celebrate! It does make him quite different from a 3 year-old, but he is truly brilliant. 

Teddy Graham fun! What a fun snack that both boys enjoyed. Kade practiced using a spoon with his teddy grahams and Blake counted them out to match the number I would put on the table. Kade loves spoons and forks and is beginning to already use a fork when eating. 

After reading our book one morning! Love these two boys with all my heart!

I introduced Kade to new vocabulary in the book through these cards. He would rather smush and crinkle them... they found the laminater after this hahaha! 

Blake and Kade colored some Jesse Bear faces and I hid them in the living room for them to find. Kade wanted nothing to do with the finding them, but Blake found them all! 

Kade and his bears and a different formula container with holes on the top! :) We worked on recognizing colors! He definitely does not have hyperlexia like his brother! He wasn't so quick to catch on for sure... but that is perfectly alright! 

Blake does very well tracing lines. His fine motor skills are excellent. His handwriting gets better and better every day! 

 Blake is spelling the words next the pictures. He just had to trace them which helped him learn to spell them by memory.

In the book, Jesse Bear puts a rose in his toes in the morning. I cut a celery stock off and Blake helped stamp some roses onto a picture. I had seen this on pinterest and had always wanted to try it! It was neat!

I gave Kade a paint brush and he painted a few seconds and then tried eating the paint... typical for my little Kade man! 

We made a picture for Nana after with our dried roses!

I saw this new thing that Blake really enjoyed on pinterest too. Read it, build it, spell it. We would take a new vocabulary word, read it, spell it out with his letters, and then write it! He really enjoyed this. Anything with his letters and writing! 

We worked on sorting our red and yellow bears into cups. He did this correctly for about 5-6 bears and then his attention span was done. He either got it or just lucky guessing on where to put them! :) 

 More writing! 

Jesse Bear takes a bath in his book. So we counted ducks into his bathtub. 

Here Kade is supposed to be coloring Jesse Bear's shirt red... he wanted to tear the paper instead... have you put together yet how Kade did with these activities?! :) 

We did an experiment with gummy bears. One cup had regular water and one cup we added salt to it. Here Blake is tasting the salt... silly kid! :) 

He is mixing the salt into the water. He liked helping with this part. And then the gummy bears went into the cups for a day or two...

He wasn't too impressed with the results... and neither was I to be honest! haha! The one in regular water expanded and stayed more orange. The one in the salt water remained fairly small with less color. I thought it was supposed to get hard... but apparently my science experiments don't work! 

Well, that is that! Our focus is now going to be less on academics because that is something that Blake excels at. He doesn't need a further push in that area. We are now working on social play, imagination, building, and communication. It is amazing how this has taken so much more effort and intention. Trying to get him to understand basic concepts and initiating thoughts has been trying for both of us. But I pray it will be beneficial in the end. So good bye to "Tot School" for a while... on to a new focus! 

Our New Journey Begins

Oh where to begin...

It started like a typical, chaotic morning where I woke up sleepy - sleepy from having to wake up multiple times with a 16-month old who insists he needs milk every. single. night. at 1:30am... and perhaps some water around 4am. But today was different. We were going to the zoo with some friends and I was so excited for Blake to see the animals and for Kade's first trip to the zoo.

The kids ate toast in the car. Breakfast in our house currently consists of me opening a loaf of bread and handing a piece to each kid... cold. Mom of the year award right there. They don't complain and neither do I.  On an occasional day I will even toast it and put some peanut butter on it. This wasn't such a day. But, last minute I decided to give Kade a squeezable yogurt to eat in the car along with his toast. 

Let's just say that the words "Squeezable yogurt" and "car" should never be put into the same sentence. I stopped to get a Starbucks coffee on the way. The line was literally 20 cars long. So I parked my car and went to get the kids out. I opened the back door to find Kade - covered in strawberry banana yogurt. Yogurt was everywhere... in between each little slimy finger and smeared into his carseat. I was not happy in the slightest and pulled out sanitizer wipes and wiped him down and as much of his carseat as I could. 

The zoo was fantastic. The boys did great over-all and we enjoyed the beautiful weather. Kade loved petting the goats and stepping on them. He is a bull in a china cabinet. Blake was more timid and content to watch them. We enjoyed our morning at the zoo and rushed home to get ready for our doctor's appointment.

We arrived at the doctors and I knew that this appointment would be eventful. After all, we had a busy morning at the zoo and Kade was going on a 20 minute nap he had in the car on the ride home. He was bound to be fussy I was sure of it. The boys ran around the waiting room and looked at the fish while we waited for our names to be called. Little did I know that his appointment would change my life so much. I wish I had some warning. 

The appointment started like normal. The boys were weighed and measured and I laughed at how they were getting shorter and heavier. Ha! And then the questions about development started coming. I jokingly answered some not realizing the seriousness of these questions. Apparently using a spoon and fork on your own is a huge deal. As well as a 3 year old knowing his mommy's name. And then she hit me with a question that I can still hear in my mind today. "Have you considered Autism?" I looked at her and got defensive and said, "No! He is absolutely brilliant." And she continued to tell me that it is called a spectrum for a reason and that she suggest I get him tested for high functioning autism. That is when my world stopped. My stomach sank to the pit of my stomach. The appointment finished with Kade getting shots and his looks of betrayal crushed my already broken heart as I held him as he cried. I cried right along with him. I quickly gathered the kids to the car, buckled them in, and climbed into the driver's seat. I sobbed uncontrollably. I was confused, alone, and absolutely terrified.

Immediately when I got home and calmed myself down, I scheduled Blake an appointment with a developmental specialist. I wanted answers. I needed answers. I needed to know how I could help my son and if there was anything I really did need to worry about. 

I began researching everything and anything I could find on the internet. I would be convinced he had autism after reading one article and then convinced he didn't have it not even two minutes later. However, these articles revealed to me some serious concerns I hadn't realized Blake had before this eventful doctor's appointment. Ones that I figured were just unique to him and ones that I wrote off as developing differently, or perhaps a little behind in language development. I felt like I was loosing my little boy. 

Anytime he would do one of these behaviors, my heart would die a little more. The things I used to think were cute and funny became so difficult to watch. I spent the next two weeks critiquing every move and everything he said. We practiced climbing ladders, feeding himself with a spoon, more potty training, new responsibilities, kicking, throwing, and catching balls, and lots and lots of language work. We realized simple questions like "Am I holding a cup" could not be answered. We realized "What am I doing?" could not be answered. We realized many things could not be answered. It was terrifying going from the one thought of "my child is gifted and highly intelligent" to "my child can't even distinguish a cup from a lego." It was that day a week into thinking about all this that I knew there was something "wrong". That Blake needed help and I needed to know how to help him.

Our appointment yesterday shed a lot of new light on our situation. I woke up early which has been a new norm for me since this possible diagnosis. I took a hot bath, listened to some hymns, and put God's Word before me. I got ready, making sure to wear long sleeves and pants since I get very cold when nervous and scared. I woke Blake up and put him into an outfit I had laid out for him for days. Again, I grabbed a piece of bread out of the fridge for each boy and we made our way to the appointment, dropping Kade off at my mom's house along the way. Blake pointed out some things he saw out the window... only things that I had ever mentioned. And he decided this morning that my name was Steph. We arrived early to the specialists office and walked across the street to see the fountain and flowers. Blake started saying, "All aboard the flower train" and we laughed and thought it was silly. And the rest of the day that was the phrase he repeated often. One of the first phrases he kept repeating to the specialist. 

Once in the office, I sat nervously on the leather couch signing consent forms. I couldn't even comprehend the words I was reading and simply signed my name, dated it, and gave it back to the receptionist. They are all the same anyways. I sat on the couch watching my amazing husband play with our son. He found a letter A and a letter H and asked for more letters. We explained there were no more and he kept telling us that the I was missing. The doctor came and got us and he immediately looked up at her and made it clear to us that he would prefer to play with the cars and trains than go with us into her office. He brought a couple with him and the appointment officially began.

I walked in to the office and my eyes were immediately drawn to the alphabet blocks sitting on the floor. My heart sank. I knew this would take Blake's attention, but it would also show his skills and how he isn't "normal". I sat at the edge of the couch and started talking with our doctor - Doctor Karlsson Roth. It is a she which caught me off guard due to her name. She was so easy to talk to and put me at ease right away. 

During our appointment she said that on paper and studying all the evals we did, that Blake was a hard one for her to "diagnose". On paper he seems like he is developing just fine. But it isn't quantitative data, but the qualitative data that made the difference. He does so many things well and on track for a 3 year old. But when you look at him - really study him and his language and preferences - you see something is "off." She said her initial thought after just seeing him for the first time was "this kid does not have autism." But then the more she saw, the more she saw the areas of concern and the delays he has.

Blake was asked some questions, asked to perform some motor skills, and then to answer questions by pointing to the answer in a book of pictures. These tasks soon became frustrating to him because he can't understand all questions. It hurt my heart to see his frustration but I knew it was necessary. 

Towards the end of the appointment, she pulled out the criteria that would be needed to diagnose Blake with Autism. There are two parts of the diagnosis. In part A you have to have all 3 components to even move on to part B. He had 1/2 of one. So immediately she said you would have to stop right there. But looking on in to part B, he had 2 of the 4 areas of concern, including echolalia, social delay, and language delay. Our of the 7 possible characteristics of autism, he has 2.5. He didn't have enough to be given the diagnosis. Yet there isn't a "label" that he falls under really... so he would fall under PDD - NOS.... which means, Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. 

We agreed with her diagnosis and she was very hopeful that speech therapies and other programs could greatly help him. She believes that within 1-2 years he could be "caught up" to where he should be to enter kindergarten in terms of social skills and language. This was the best diagnosis we could ask for and the one we prayed for. I cried tears of joy at hearing this news. 

So what does this mean for Blake and our family? We will be getting Blake evaluated for Speech and Language from a private office for therapy; getting him tested by Gilbert Public Schools to see if he can be put into a developmental preschool that will help him learn language, social, and play; and going to Jump Start Southwest Autism Research and Resource Center to learn to help him communicate better. The next steps are scary and our family would LOVE your prayers through all this. 

I hesitate to even share this publicly because I don't want a label to be what people see when they look at my son. Blake may have some differences and I hate to think he will be treated differently because he has some areas of weakness. I know this is my own heart issue. 

Through all of this, God has been so faithful to me. I have never in my life felt the power of God's Word so much than I do today. His word has been my only source of true comfort and I know that God will give me the strength to take this new journey with Blake.  I was reminded God's ways are not only different that mine - which puts it on a human level and equal - but His ways are HIGHER. They are better. I may have a hard time seeing that now, but that is the truth I am putting in front of me. God will accomplish exactly what He wants through all this. And His mercies are new every day.  

God is for me in this. Today's events are exactly the ones that God has for me to sanctify me and make me more like Him. I need to trust. In these times of uncertainty and doubt, I know I have a God who is faithful and in control. His power is made perfect in my weakness.  

Please pray that God's power will be seen in Blake... 

Thank you friends.