Hospitals and Ambulances

There are not many places that Blake asks to go. But the hospital has been one place ever since I pointed it out. We pass it almost every time we go onto the free way (which is often) and he always points it out to me. He will ask to go to the Hospital, even though I know he really doesn't understand what is there. He knows there are sick people there but that's it. We had taken him here over a month ago and just walked into the lobby and were able to see an ambulance parked outside. It wasn't too exciting. Yet, he continually asks to go there and I keep telling him we will go soon.

Well the night finally came! We are still trying to figure out what type of learner Blake is and don't know exactly what will unlock the part of his brain with creativity of language. This week he has been getting more agitated with his words and not being able to say what he wants. It is very hard to watch. He will say things like, "No that is not the word!" and begin to get very frustrated or cry. I am not sure if he is really realizing it or if he is just repeating me when I will tell him he means a different word at times. It breaks my heart none the less. Over dinner we decided really last minute that we would fulfill his request of going to the hospital when we were finished.

Matt is so good to me. I could only eat a few bites of dinner and was washing the dishes with tears pouring down my face out of emotional exhaustion and uncertainty. During dinner Blake got frustrated with his words and started crying. He then wanted to go to the Hospital and Matt said we should all go and then get Dairy Queen after. I'm thankful for a husband who knows that things like this help my heart. And it made Blake excited to finally be able to go to the Hospital again.

Once we got there, we followed an ambulance to the back but they had a patient so we didn't want to get in their way so we walked to the very front of the hospital. There really isn't too much to look at when you walk into the lobby and hallway of a hospital. We didn't want to bring the kids into any hallways or next to patients in their rooms. It really didn't seem appropriate. So we walked the perimeter of the hallways around the bottom floor and pointed out all the doctors and nurses that we saw. We walked through the emergency room on our way out.

On our way to the car, we saw that the paramedics were cleaning out the ambulance. So we walked back over and I started pointing out some of the features from a distance. One of the paramedics invited us over to come see it and said he would turn the lights on for us. He then told Blake he could go inside. This brought him so much worry and he started crying but thankfully we calmed him down and said we would go with him and show him. I wonder at times what is going on in his mind. What he really hears. I know he can't process language at a 3 year old level, so we try to be understanding. He is also a sensitive child by nature. He gets that from his mama! :) Matt took him inside and pointed out a few things.

On our way to go get ice cream, Blake was telling us that the ambulance was scary. It is hard for us to know if that is what he really means, because scary is something he calls almost all new experiences. He can't convey his feelings and thoughts in many ways, so I am not sure if he was really scared or what. We tried to tell him it wasn't scary, but that it was something new! And that it was neat to be able to go inside and see everything. He also said he didn't like the people. A common phrase we hear after anywhere we go. Again, I am trying to teach him it is not that he doesn't like them, it is that he doesn't know them and that is okay! We still have to be kind to them and not yell at them.

I am very thankful for this experience. I am not sure what Blake thought over-all, but I know the more experiences he gets and the more he gets out of his "routine" of places he typically goes, the better. It will only open more memories and hopefully avenues of communication. He often talks through memories, so I guess the more the merrier.

Please continue to pray for my heart for those who are praying. Most parents have the role of care giver and disciplinarian, amongst other roles of course. I feel overwhelmed as I am not only care giver and disciplinarian for Blake, but I am also his therapist, constant teacher in almost all things, and his best friend. He needs me to play, to help correct his speech almost continually, and to help draw out his feelings. Emotionally this takes a toll. No one can understand that type of burden unless they are walking it. I apologize to those whose friendships I have let slip in the process of all this the past couple of months. Please be patient with me as I learn how to balance life and where to put my energy. I need your friendship and encouragement now more than ever. And if I seem like I am constantly burdened with tears and fears, it's because I am. BUT GOD is working in my heart in ways I can't even begin to explain.